The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
The chlamydia really affected his face.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
That accounts for only three of the penises
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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