Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
