TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
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