I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
