U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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