Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize