I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
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