Michael Bay diarrhea
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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