those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
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We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize