whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
