I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
