I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Randomize
