I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
We had to coat check the pizza.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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