I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
