im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
