Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
