Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
