You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
