she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
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