I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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