My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
