Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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