It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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