My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
