Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
