swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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