in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
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