I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
