My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
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the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
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The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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