Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
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Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
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Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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