im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
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