I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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