i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
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you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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