You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
