I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
