the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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