Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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