So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
