True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
now i know why i became what i already was.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
