My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
