Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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