The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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