My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
