My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
