apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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