birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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