if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Randomize
