pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
