No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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