I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
