Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
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just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
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You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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