So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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