farters have to be the big spoon...
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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