thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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