Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
