Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
