I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
