I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
