I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
