Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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