so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize