I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
